You are alone, but you are not the only one

One of the hardest parts of motherhood is feeling alone. It is terrifying actually. Sometimes I think to myself, "I have a family... and there is so much love between all of us... why do I feel so alone?!"  More than anything we need reminders that although we are, in truth, alone in a lot of ways; we are NOT the ONLY ONE. This is a huge distinction. Can you feel it? Yes, you and you alone have to face your inner-turmoil and internal conflicts of motherhood. However, you don't have to hide in embarrassment and or shame because you're NOT the ONLY ONE. You are not the only mother who feels like you're not doing enough or even that you are not enough. In actuality, you are the norm. You are okay. Welcome to the table. 

 

That is why I have started this blog. I am passionate about normalizing the internal chaos that ensues when we are trying to raise little humans and maintain a connection with our spouse. Some of us are better at disguising the chaos. Some of us feel it more than others. Wherever you are there is room at this table for you. At this table I will venture to be brave in my honesty and vulnerable in my weaknesses. However, although there is some cathartic relief in simply talking about the hard facets of motherhood and don't believe that is enough. I believe it is important to try and make meaning (intentionally) about these things. If we don't culture will. If we don't we leave ourselves up for the taking.

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Why should I "make meaning"

How we define and attribute meaning to our meltdowns, our lack of patience, our lack of desire matters in the long run. It matters for your own sense of well-being. What do you say to yourself when your child is having a meltdown? What do you say to yourself when you loose your s*%$ and scream at your child? What do you say to yourself when you feel isolated and though your husband will never understand? Do you ignore all the feelings? Do you think it is all your fault? Do you blame your children? Do you hate yourself for it? Do you feel like you're doomed to fail? I know, I know... these are pretty intense... but lets get honest who hasn't thought these, even if just for a passing moment. So what happens if we stop here and say these things over and over for years. What story are you writing? What messages are you sending to your children about you; and therefore about them? Okay, phew, take a deep breathe... were about to get light and hopeful again!

 

We need to make meaning out of the chaos so that we have a sense of empowerment over it. When we let our chaos roam without putting words to what is happening, we can loose hope. We can start to feel isolated and overwhelmed. Maybe you're thinking, "Hmmm.... no... this isn't me, I don't get mopey and sad..." Maybe you're the perfectionist mom who carries her own pain. Maybe you shut down your feelings and start to over-function. This is for you too because I am convinced that there is a universal experience of motherhood that we can all relate to. 

 

Hopefully, you will find lots of relief here. Hopefully, you will find some hopefulness and some space to be honest with yourself. You may be lonely, but there are others and I am willing to bet they are ready to join us at the table, drink some wine and make some meaning out of this craziness of motherhood!

The Battle of Balance

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Balance or break

Balance. We hear about this word often. We hear about how important it is and how most people struggle with it. For some of us this word brings a flood of guilt and worry. Often this word is experienced as a word that belongs among the fairies and unicorns; a mere fantasy. Words are powerful, they can evoke so much feeling (or all the "feels" as they say). Sometimes we assign meaning to a word that adds to our own sense of doom.

I have never met one family, ever, that has talked about balance like it is easy. That's one thing this word really is; HARD! It just is. Life is constantly offering us choices. A choice between self-care and our children... a choice between our children and our spouse or significant other... a choice between cleaning or play... a choice between work and family. It is constant and never ending. 

First, lets just all cry together as we acknowledge that balance is never attained indefinitely. that would be impossible to due life never being static. Everything and everything is changing all the time. Balance can be experienced in moments, in hours and sometimes days. I think of experience of feeling "balanced" over the course of a month or more is really a reflection of an accumulation of moments and feeling as though those outweighed the moments of a break in balance. 

I have a family of five that I belong to. I am the "mom" in this family. We have three wildly lively boys. My husband and I both work, he works primarily outside of our home and I work primarily inside our home. Balance is everything to our little family.